by: Greg Vovos
STAN CASUAL: A man who enjoys parties and talking.
JOE BLOW: A man who enjoys talking about disparaging things at parties.
SLICK RICK: A man who enjoys drinking at parties.
UNO HOMBRE: A man who enjoys wearing suits to parties.
MARTHA MINX: A woman who enjoys wearing dresses to parties.
GEORGE PATTERS: A man who enjoys wearing army helmets to parties.
JUNE BUG: A woman who enjoys spilling things on people at parties.
BERNICE: A woman who enjoys others.
THE LAST MAN STANDING: A man who enjoys throwing parties.
THE NEWS CAMERA MAN: The last person standing, maybe a man, maybe a woman.
[The play is set on the edge of a big cliff. And while it is outdoors, there should be a door to indicate the exit from the party. The party should feel as if it is taking place indoors. There can even be furniture. However, when someone exits out the door, it is a long deathly fall, and ideally we in the audience can see the fall happen, even though the partygoers pay it no mind.
As each character exits, there should be a conversation and series of laughter that underscore the action of the play; this laughter should gain momentum throughout the play, the same way a snowball gains force and mass as it rolls down a mountain. When bursts of laughter are indicated from the stage directions, the laughter should come directly from the actors the audience sees on the stage. Each time a new character speaks, it should feel that we are hearing the end of a story, an ending that punctuates some great story that people tell at parties to impress and engage others. It is up to the actors and the director to work out how this storytelling/party atmosphere should be conveyed. Feel free to fill the time between exits with inventive stage business and creation.
Lots of noise as the crowd mingles and the band plays and the drinks are poured and the stories exchanged. A festive atmosphere pervades. Someone throws a keg or piece of furniture off the cliff and they burst into laughter. The large group seems to be centered around one man who we cannot see: he is The Last Man Standing.
Stan Casual gestures wildly as he tells his story. He builds to a climactic ending as he says:]
STAN CASUAL: And that's exactly what I said!
[Burst of laughter. He begins to exit.]
Nice knowing you.
[Stan exits through the door and falls off the cliff. We hear him scream as the others laugh. Time passes. Now Joe Blow holds court.]
JOE BLOW: Terrible? I'll say.
[Burst of laughter and then he exits and falls off the cliff and screams. Time passes. Slick Rick pours himself another drink as he wobbles.]
SLICK RICK: And I said, honey, what good is it to watch my drinking when I can barely see the road.
[Slick Rick slaps his knee and inadvertently falls out the door and off the cliff. He screams. More laughter. Time passes. Uno Hombre takes the lead.]
UNO HOMBRE: And I said if you want to feed the impoverished that's your problem. I got bigger fish to fry.
[Laughter. Uno Hombre swan dives off the cliff. Screams. Laughter. Time passes. Martha Minx takes control.]
MARTHA MINX: Really, darling, what good is equality in this day and age anyway?
[Laughter. Exit. Falls. Screams. Laughter. Time passes. George Patters commands everyone's attention.]
GEOGE PATTERS: People die. War is hell. Buildings crumble. War is hell. Civilizations lose themselves. War is hell.
[Snorts. Exit. Falls. Screams. Laughter. Time passes. June Bug takes the spotlight.]
JUNE BUG: And the little girl looked at me with those great big beautiful brown eyes of hers and said—get this—"I can't find my mother." [Slaps her knee. Laughs uncontrollably.] Get it? "I can't find my mother." I told her, "honey, you slay me."
[Laughter. Exit. Falls. Screams. Laughter. Bernice crosses and reveals the Last Man Standing.]
BERNICE: Shall I go then?
LAST MAN STANDING: Ladies first.
BERNICE: It really was a wonderful party.
LAST MAN STANDING: Can I call you then?
BERNICE: I don't think that's possible.
LAST MAN STANDING: Of course.
BERNICE: Nice knowing you then.
[She exits. Falls. Screams. Sorrow? Last Man Standing turns to News Camera Man who was previously unseen.]
LAST MAN STANDING: Did you get that?
NEWS CAMERA MAN: I did at that.
LAST MAN STANDING: Wonderful then. [Pause.] It was a good party, don't you think?
NEWS CAMERA MAN: It was the party to end all parties.
LAST MAN STANDING: Well said. With that, I'll take my leave.
NEWS CAMERA MAN: [Telling a joke.] Watch your step.
LAST MAN STANDING: [He laughs.] Good one.
[Last Man Standing exits towards the door and turns just before leaving and says:]
These End Of the World parties can be such a scream.
[He exits and the News Camera Man turns his camera on the audience as we hear the accumulated laughter turn into one collective scream.]
END OF PLAY